Breaking News: Pet Genetic Testing Reveals Startling Secret

In a surprising turn of events, the owners of Gracie, an adorable Shepherd, Akita, Labrador mix, were left stunned after sending off her DNA for genetic testing. "The Labrador part never seemed to match," the owner recalls. "Everyone kept insisting she was a Husky mix, so we sent off her DNA for testing. Somehow, she just didn't fit. She gets extreme zoomies, racing around in figure 8's at near light speed, digging, and jumping. She has a whole circuit going. My wife calls her Kangaroo Butt."

What the owners discovered was nothing short of shocking. "I was flabbergasted. It had to be a mistake. But there it was in black and white: 12% Kangaroo. How could that happen?"

Gracie's owners agreed to keep this revelation quiet while we conducted an undercover investigation. It didn't take long before we discovered other pets in the area exhibiting unusual traits. Our investigation led us to a nearby community where residents had been adopting a large number of pets online. The residents were initially reluctant to talk, but one eventually revealed the secret.

"There is only one employer hiring in this area—Star Industry Laboratories. That place is sealed tight with secrets. But they still need people to work there, and most of us in the community are happy for any job we can get and quite willing to ignore what we see." However, there was one thing they couldn't ignore. "Star Labs has been conducting some very serious animal experiments. They take in hundreds of pets secretly from no-kill shelters to experiment on. Normal laboratory protocol says they kill them all when they're done, but we've been managing to sneak most of them out and replace them with livestock carcasses for the crematorium. As long as the ovens keep blowing out smoke, they didn’t suspect a thing."

The source went on to explain that Star Labs also conducts pet genetic testing in a separate lab. While the two labs don't communicate enough to have prevented the reports from going out, the management knew there was a problem. Consequently, they tripled security and began replacing all the workers with robots. "There’s nothing left for us to do now but spill the beans and hope they get shut down."

In an effort to get Star Labs' perspective, we went to their headquarters, only to be blocked by RCMP officers who were busy making arrests. The RCMP were apprehending Star Labs executives involved in illegal activities. Although they were reluctant to answer any of our questions, we managed to track down the CEO, Norman Osborn, who had not shown up for work that day. We found him at his home, packing for an extended vacation in Cuba. "All I can say for your readers is to be mindful of your pets. Most of them should be just cute, adorable pets with nothing out of the ordinary. But there may be a few crossed with venomous snakes or sharks to watch out for."

Before we could ask further questions, Norman Osborn excused himself to prepare us a cup of tea. Moments later, the police arrived to arrest him. However, Norman Osborn was nowhere to be found. Witnesses reported seeing an unusual character, dressed in green, flying off on what appeared to be a jet-powered hoverboard.

Authorities are continuing their investigation, but in the meantime, pet owners are advised to keep a close eye on their furry friends—especially those with peculiar behavior. They are also being advised to watch out for mutated spiders that have reportedly escaped the laboratory.

Stay tuned for further updates as this story unfolds.