Technician's $68 Million "Joke" Bid Nearly Changes the Course of History

Washington, D.C. — In an exclusive interview, the technician responsible for nearly triggering World War III has issued a heartfelt apology. "I am truly sorry," he confessed. "It's clear now that I was not qualified for the job. I only submitted my $68 million bid as a joke after my cousin mentioned that the U.S. government was looking to automate its nuclear silos."

The technician, Michael, has spent the last five years automating hundreds of homes, earning a five-star rating on Google. His customers rave about no longer needing to hunt for their TV remotes. So, when he unexpectedly won the government contract, he decided to approach it like any other home automation job.

"When someone asks for home automation, they usually want lights and heat controlled by presence sensors and timers. But the main thing they want is voice assistant integration," Michael explained.

To his surprise, the Pentagon was thrilled with his prototype silo. "It was the first defense contract that delivered fully, on time, and under budget," he said proudly.

However, Michael admitted he didn't anticipate the conflict introduced by having a smart microwave in the break room. "It seems so obvious now. Pizza, no problem. Popcorn, no problem. But how in the world is a voice assistant supposed to know that when you say, 'Nuke the Chinese,' you mean to reheat your fried rice?"

You might be wondering about security. When asked pointedly about nuclear launch codes, Michael responded, "This is the U.S. government. In the 1970s, all the codes were set to zero. After the scandal, they were reset to an 18-digit random number. You can guess what that number was. The request was for power level 2."

Thankfully for humanity, the world wasn't destroyed because the technicians fueling the missiles were equally competent.

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