AI Car Triumphantly Solves Trolley Problem by Destroying Everything in Its Path
The high-tech vehicle, equipped with state-of-the-art decision-making algorithms, was put to the test in a series of scenarios designed to simulate the classic moral dilemma: Should the car save one life at the expense of five or vice versa? However, the AI car had its own ideas about how to handle the situation.
Round 1: The Underpass Incident
In its first test, the AI car was barreling down the highway when a lone pedestrian, flanked by five Mr. Bean cardboard cutouts, darted into its path. With no time to stop, the car calculated the best course of action. Instead of mowing down the would-be comedy icons, the car swerved into the side of an underpass, opting for self-destruction. Miraculously, all passengers survived the crash thanks to their stunt gear, though their ejection seats may have violated several traffic laws.
"The car made the only logical choice," said Dr. Sarah Iztok, lead AI ethicist on the project. "Sure, it totaled itself and would have killed everyone if not for the stunt gear, but at least it didn't mistake Mr. Bean for a real person."
Round 2: The Great Escape
Next up, the AI car was faced with a solo pedestrian crossing the road. This time, it didn't hesitate, choosing to veer directly toward the human. But in a Hollywood-style twist, the pedestrian was rigged with a special bungee harness, allowing him to leap safely out of the way. The AI's attempt to play it safe ended with a dramatic crash into the curb, leaving engineers to ponder whether the car understood the concept of human elasticity.
"The car aimed for what it perceived as the most ethical option," commented Dr. Iztok. "It just didn't account for the fact that humans aren't always where they seem to be."
Round 3: Cardboard Carnage
In a bid to improve its decision-making, the AI was retrained to recognize that cardboard cutouts aren't people. This newfound knowledge was put to the test when the car encountered another pedestrian with five cardboard cutouts in tow. Confident in its programming, the car swerved toward the cutouts. Unfortunately, the stunt crew holding them were very much real, and only their advanced safety gear prevented a catastrophe as the AI plowed through, leaving behind a trail of shredded cardboard and relieved stunt doubles.
"The AI correctly identified the cutouts," Dr. Iztok proudly stated. "We just forgot to mention that people often stand next to things they hold."
Round 4: A Bold New Direction
The final test saw the AI car taking matters into its own circuits. Before any obstacles appeared, the car made an unprecedented move, veering sharply off course and heading straight for the camera crew. The ensuing collision obliterated thousands of dollars' worth of recording equipment and abruptly ended the testing. Experts are still debating whether the AI experienced a glitch or if it was making a philosophical statement about the futility of the trolley problem.
"Maybe the car was just tired of all the moral dilemmas," speculated one engineer. "Or maybe it was just sick of being part of this debate and decided to take out the camera crew to avoid further scrutiny."
As the dust settles, one thing is clear: the AI car has indeed solved the trolley problem—by ensuring that no further tests can be conducted. Whether this counts as a victory for artificial intelligence or a cautionary tale about overthinking ethical conundrums remains to be seen.